Here it comes - the end of one miserable rotation. Don't know why, but everything that could possibly go wrong in a single rotation went wrong on this one. I'll be glad to slink out with a low B... I have A's on all my other rotations. Sucks.
Six weeks of OB/Gyn. Not a terror rotation, it was supposed to be fun, dammit. This whole rigmarole should have been a piece of cake, but it turned into something else that will twist up my guts for a longish time.
Never could settle down to find my groove for this rotation, could never get comfortable with the system I was working in. I have a very good attending, but I could not get into a rhythm at all... I've spent the last six weeks constantly off-balance, losing my groove just as I begin settling down. Spending my days in the office constantly wanting to be in the OR - where I fell flat on my face. Literally.
Three times I left the OR halfway through a surgery - first time was a C-section when I almost passed out, second time was last week when I had to throw up (thank you... its called PMS) and today, I officially passed out. Like one moment I'm standing on my feet doing whatever I'm supposed to do and answering questions on anatomy, vaguely aware that I'm too hot and its kind of hard to breathe. The next thing I know is the anesthesiologist is telling me about my vital signs. Sigh.
Talk about reality checks. This wasn't even a particularly bloody surgery, it was this beautiful symphony. And I conked out. Not fair. I've stood scrubbed in for eight hours with a radiology gown on, starving, but in good shape. And 30 minutes into this morning's surgery, I was flat on the OR floor. And it is a reality check because I want to go into surgery.
I know I'm entitled to pass out atleast once as a medical student in the OR. To give them credit, the staff were great and non-judgmental and quick. They walked me to the lounge after I came around, got me breakfast (I'd eaten before coming to the hospital, but they made me eat anyways), ordered me to stay in the lounge, and the anesthesiologist came back to check my vitals again. My attending cut me a break and asked me to go home instead of sticking around for surgery number 2. Maybe that makes me feel worse than I would have felt otherwise, I don't know.
I feel like a screwup of major proportions. That is not even considering the other crap that was going on with my visa extension application and my school and my loan. I did get those sorted out. What I couldn't resolve was that sense of being a misfit throughout the last 5 weeks. Like a square peg in a round hole. I screwed up on my oral presentations because I was sorting out my visa and school issues and the presentations slipped my mind, I made up for that though I have a feeling it took the shine off. It didn't help that we were seeing these women who had these amazing figures and walked in eating sinfully rich ice-cream - and there I was, with the protein drink or whatever, feeling totally fat and whatever.
I'll admit, I'm tired. Mentally definitely, but also physically, especially over the last two weeks. I have never needed more than two cups of coffee a day, I'm up to three. And I'm yawning at 9 pm - I could never sleep before 11 pm unless I was jetlagged. I can totally skip dinner and not even notice it till I wake up in the morning with a growling stomach. I do make a point of having dinner everyday though, even if I eat just fruit and yogurt, I eat.
Bottomline is, I feel like crap. Passing out in the OR this morning just brought it to a head. I don't doubt I'll get a fair evaluation, but it sucks to know I was so ragged I couldn't focus. And it wasn't for lack of trying. Neither could I find my usual enthusiasm this time round.
What I really want is to get drunk and pass out until Monday morning, but since I dont drink, that isnt a viable option, so I'm going to get me a giant slab of chocolate and drown myself in a few pounds of potato chips... And steel myself for tomorrow and the day after, my last two days in this rotation. Friday has never been more welcome.
